Loaded down with blessings

Life is a whirlwind right now. In the past, I would have freaked out by now. TOO BUSY! MUST STOP! JUST CAN'T DO ANYMORE! But somehow at  the end of each day, I turn to Micheal and say something along the lines of, "I can't believe I'm still going." School takes a large chunk of our day, and cleaning up afterwards. Meals are constant along with the driving to and fro for sports practices and games. Trips have been planned and gone on. Relationships are being formed and deepened. 

It's all absolutely great. I love my life. I love this stage. I love the crazy. 

I have not always been able to say that and maybe I won't be singing this same tune in 3 months time.
 But for now, I will enjoy the ride and choose joy and thankfulness. 

You see, I have loved my time at home. The quiet of our days. The beautiful and steady routine. It's been a most lovely 12 years. Yes, we have done plenty in those years. Lots of activities and running amok, but this is a different season. I realize I am entering into a new span of time. A time of going, exploring and being out in our community. Things are opening up for me personally and us as a family that we have never been apart of in the past. And it's FUN!

Also, we have now been at our current residence for 2 years. We are settled. It feels like home. Oh, dulce domum, such a wonderful place. 

We have friends and with that comes some of life's most terrific blessings:
                   Laughter! 
                           Dinners! 
                                   Encouragement! 
                                           Tears! 
                                                        Conversations full of challenging and sweet words. 
                                               
I realized a couple of months ago that I have a fear of people. I don't really know how that fear got there but now that it has been shown to me, I have the power to deal with it. I am a very transparent person but with people you can get hurt, so there is a vulnerability with relationships that is terrifying. I have been going back and forth with myself and God and a couple close friends about these issues. I have been working out what exactly to do about these feelings. I have been challenged to step out and be a friend. A good friend. The kind of friend that I want. It's tough sometimes! I am such a homebody, I could be home all the time and be happy. But really, when I'm honest with myself, being a part of my community in the small ways I am right now give me great joy also. I am becoming more and more comfortable out in the great, small place I call home. I am not allowing myself to go over and over the stupid things I say when in groups. Really, I am getting over myself and seeing the gold in others. 

You know what I am finding? 

There's a lot of gold. 

I'm rich and loaded down with blessings.

Incredibly Loud

There are moments when, all of a sudden, or maybe it has been working it's way to a pinnacle and I was ignoring the signs, my mind needs to shut down. Not just sleep, but rest. I could feel it last night when I had to go to bed RIGHT NOW. But then, what did I do? I watched 3 (THREE!) episodes of a show. Now, I love the show and it was enjoyable to watch, but what I really needed was rest.

So, this morning I tried to get up earlier than normal so I could have some time to myself and get things done. By the time it came around to getting into the car to head to church, I could feel myself falling apart. I wanted to cry. My daughter asked me to braid her hair and it was hard. It shouldn't have been hard. I felt ashamed and guilty. Why couldn't I just pull it together? Should I go to church and struggle through the whole service or stay home and have quiet time. There was a war going on in my head and I just couldn't find the balance.

I talked with Micheal and ended up feeling like I needed to stay home. He completely supported me and loaded up the kids for church by himself.

As I took the garbage out and was trying decide on what to do for the next few hours the Lord whispered, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ."

I knew it was in Romans and quickly opened my Bible and read chapter 8.

The sighs escaped out of my weary self, the tears dripped down, the God's peace filled me up.

This has been a very busy summer. I wanted to have fun with my kids! I wanted to make great memories and DO things. But I lost my balance.

As I was reading in Romans and - oh, my lands, what an amazing book! - I was reminded that I am weak without God's Spirit inside of me. Romans 8 talks a whole lot about His Spirit and as a Christian I am in Christ and His Spirit is in me. The peace that comes from reading those words and being able to somehow - BY HIS SPIRIT! - accept those words of truth into my life is the best feeling in the entire world.

I was reassured of His love for me. His presence in my life. His Spirit guiding my every decision. I was filled again with the Spirit of life and love and joy and truth. I had my touchstone again. Balance. You know when you feel all dizzy when you stand up sometimes and you find something strong and secure to hold on to. Yeah, that is Christ for me. He holds me up and while doing so, the fog clears, the blurry vision is turned clear and I feel strong again.

Today I struggled to make the right choice. I didn't want to let people down. My son was playing the drum with his Daddy for worship for the first time and I wanted to be there to support him and enjoy that time together. I wanted to fellowship with other believers who I haven't seen in a couple of weeks. To be an encouragement to them and listen to their stories. I wanted to soak in the Word together.
In the end, and at first I was feeling selfish for the decision, I stayed home. I rested in Jesus. I prayed like I haven't prayed in a long time. I relished in God's love and forgiveness. I sought the quiet and He met with me.

In a world that is incredibly loud, I need to make space and time to rest quietly.

Lord, help me.

To be known and loved

Listened to a Timothy Keller podcast this morning. [Rise] Public Faith. It's about the woman at the well and how Jesus spoke to her, knew her, and still loved her, infallibly, endlessly. He does the same for me and all of you.

It's a challenging look at how Jesus loves the world, and as a follower of Him, how I love. It left me feeling convicted and wanting to encounter more of Jesus. Reminded me of His unending grace. Pointed me in the direction of relationships that I have failed and inspired me to succeed in the future.

Stop and stare

In a world that screams for our attention this way and that, all day, every day, I say, "No."

Life is made of a million little choices mixed with a few big ones. One of my big life choices was to move to a small town up in the mountains. We live here with next to no neighbors but for a few months of the year. It is quiet. It is brimming over with wildlife. It is beautiful every season of the year. But still, we can fill our time with activities, ignoring our surroundings and feeling the stress of the world. We can fill every hour, leaving no time for the wonderfulness of just being; resting and seeing and listening.

We must be intentional if we want to be rested, truly rested. We must take time to feed our souls with truth, beauty, and goodness.

Leisure for me, those things that really make me feel at peace and content, are Sunday morning worship with fellow believers, reading a good book, and being outside with my family.

We turn up the music at home and sing together but there is something so magical that happens at church when a group of us sing to the Lord and sit, receiving the Word of God in harmony. The Spirit of God meets with us and there is nothing like it.

This poem had me contemplating life's gift of leisure:

Leisure

What is this life if, full of care, 

We have no time to stand and stare. 

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows. 

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass. 

No time to see, in broad daylight,

Streams full of stars, like skies at night. 

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,

And watch her feet, how they can dance. 

No time to wait till her mouth can

Enrich that smile her eyes began. 

A poor life this is if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare. 

William Henry Davies  

Beauty

She had come into her beauty. 

This was not the beauty of her youth and freshness, of which she had had a plenty. 

The beauty that I am speaking of now was that of a woman

 who has come into knowledge and into strength and who, knowing her hardships, trusts her strength and goes about her work even with a kind of happiness, serene somehow, and secure.

 It was the beauty she would always have. 

Her eyes had not changed. They still seemed to exert a power, as if whatever she

 looked at (including, I thought, me) was brightened. 

-  Wendell Berry

It has been a week of contemplating, "What is beauty?"

I read this last night and was so inspired by it. Words put together, like that quote, imputes beauty into this world and when read or spoken, can fill up it's reader or hearer and spur them in the direction of wanting to live up to those words. Can it be obtained, this beauty? Well, I sure know a few women like the woman spoken of by Mr. Berry. 

How, you might ask. 

God's grace. The ultimate beauty of beauties!

Teaching

Today our Latin phrase was:

docendo disco scribendo cognito.

It means, I learn by teaching, think by writing. 

We talked about how we must really know and understand something to be able to teach it to others. Also, how writing can help us get our thoughts and ideas out and properly organized. How writing can actually help us think. 

I had the kids each teach the rest of us how to do something. 

G showed us how to wrap a present. 

Z taught us how to connect the Wii to the T.V.

A's presentation was on how to make a fruit platter. 

It was fun to see what they chose to teach! 

It was good for me to keep my mouth closed and let them do the talking! 

They each did a great job keeping the right sequence of events. They "did" while they taught so it was probably easier than if they were just thinking through the steps. They spoke clearly, made precise movements and rarely looked anyone in the eye! ;) 

They were each very enthusiastic in wanting to share their presentation. I think there is something in all of us that desires to share and talk about something we know and it's important to be able to get the opportunity to do so. It's also important to be able to share exact words you are thinking. I know I have struggled with finding the right words my whole life! I want to challenge my children to speak clearly and use the right words, taking the time to think about what it is they are trying to communicate with others. Words matter. 

Last year I read a book about C.S. Lewis and found it fantastic that his tutor didn't let him get away with shoddy thoughts spoken wrongly. His tutor would challenge him until Lewis got it right and spoke clearly. I know C.S Lewis was blessed with an amazing mind but look also at what great teaching and an attention to detail produced in him! 

As a homeschooling family we don't have a lot of audience, but I will continue to do more exercises like this one and find ways for them to speak in public, also. 

In the mean time we will continue to teach each other and think by writing. 

Habits

 

For exactly 17 months I had no internet in my home. At first I was livid, astonished! Then I learned to actually enjoy it. I even had thoughts of never getting internet even when it became available. Ha! 

We have had internet for a few months now. It has sucked me right in with all it's charm and interesting sites.

I have a love/hate relationship with it. Maybe you can relate.

You see, I desire to be a woman who is a life long learner. I want to read the great books! I want to draw! Paint! Read poetry! Know things! UNDERSTAND things!

I have lost some of that vision. I remember a few years ago envisioning who I was going to be down the road. A strong, learned, grace filled woman. A woman who speaks softly. (If you're going to dream, go big!)  I want to have the strength to be that woman. I want to create habits in my life that help me become her and not have habits that distract and lead me in other directions.

I have been going to bed frustrated lately because I know I didn't use my time wisely. I got distracted. I was lazy. Justified my ways.

When I wake I pray for a good day. A day of greatness. A day filled with more of Jesus and less of me. More truth, goodness and beauty. Less of the meaningless, unimportant and quite honestly, ugly.

Today has been wonderful. I created beauty out of chaos by decorating for a women's brunch. I came home to light a candle, brew some coffee, and read. I have thought good thoughts. Repented of the bad.

I have vision again. I pray for the strength, balance and grace that will be needed to succeed. To be the woman I want to be. I pray for good habits. To say no to what I know will not produce life. To say yes, I can do hard things.

     "Every habit has its beginning. The beginning is the idea 

which comes with a stir and

 takes possession of us. "

Charlotte Mason

I am "stirred" to take hold of my choices and start making better habits. 

Lord, help me.

Morning kindnesses

I remember the times of old

I meditate on all Your works

I muse on the work of Your hands.

I spread out my hands to You

My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. 

                                           Selah

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness 

in the morning

For in You do I trust;

Cause me to know the way in which I should walk

For I lift up my soul to You. 

Psalm 143:5,6 & 8